True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
