Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
