I looked at my own cervix.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
