I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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