Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
