I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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