All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
