today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
