another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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