Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
