On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
