I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
