don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
