textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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