At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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