She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dick very happy bro
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
