I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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