I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
