i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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