Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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