fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
