I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
