twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
