Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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