I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
