Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
