put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
