When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
