I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
