she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
