I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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