3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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