It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
