I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
