so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
