...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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