Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
