I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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