I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
