I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
