im gay
i know
yea but for you.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just high enough for therapy.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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