Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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