I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
