i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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