I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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