so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
