I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
