he puts the penis in happiness.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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