I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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