Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
