I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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