we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
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Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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