Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
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He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
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which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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