Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
