But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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