my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
