When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
