Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
